Summer Finishes Prematurely, Hardly Satisfies

Can you believe summer is over? Oh, and anyone who just thought "No, Stephanie, summer isn't over until September 22" can eat it. It's friggin' over.

So yesterday there was a distinct chill in the air that told me Summer had packed its bags and is getting the hell out of this miserable place before Aunt Autumn and Uncle Winter get in a big ol' fight and turn everything to shit. And then I realized...I haven't done squat this season.


Ah, when May rolled around I had such high hopes that I would achieve my goals for the summer before September reared its fugly head. Let's see how we did.

Summer Goal #1: Get a boyfriend.

Umm...no. I got a sixty-year old man to wash my car every week. But then he had to go and have that triple bypass surgery. What? He's fine now! Stop looking at me like that.

Summer Goal #2: Lose ten pounds.

Perhaps I would have better luck with Goal #1 if I had achieved Goal #2. Funny thing about that, though--apparently you don't lose weight eating Chef Boyardee out of a buttered hot dog bun.

Summer Goal #3: Cut back on the booze.

Not even close. But that's okay, that was a stupid idea anyway.

Summer Goal #4: Save money.

HAHAHAHAHAH! Yea, right. That's about as ridiculous as Goal #3. It's been all I can do not to go bankrupt. Fortunately, my friends haven't caught on to the fact that every time we hang out, one of them wakes up in a bathtub full of ice with a note that says "Call 911". On a completely unrelated note, I'm selling spleens and kidneys at bargain basement prices. Call if you're interested.

Summer Goal #5: Read more books.

Okay, I totally got this one. That is, of course, if books = UsWeeklys and read = look at them for as long as possible until the checkout clerk pitches a hissy.

Summer Goal #6: Become more eco-friendly.

Okay, I still litter. But at least I cut up the six-pack rings before I chuck them over the bridge. And I totally stopped kicking pigeons. That's got to be worth some heaven points, right?

Summer Goal #7: Give back to the community.

Well, my friend made out with a homeless guy in a wheelchair and I didn't stop her. If that isn't charity, I don't know what is.






Okay, so I didn't get much accomplished this summer. Big deal. I didn't contract a disease, get arrested, lose my job or become pregnant either. So there.


Of course, summer isn't technically over for another 8 days or so.