Christmas is in six days. Six bloody days. Which means I have approximately 144 hours to get my shit together. And I plan on sleeping through at least 36 of those precious hours, so subtract that. That minus the requisite time spent drinking and working equals me being screwed. Unless I’m carving figurines out of used soap for everyone, I have seriously got to get on the stick.
There was a day when a soap figurine was an adequate gift. Hell, my brother gave my dad a soap truck (complete with a pubic hair hood ornament) and some loose golf balls (which he found in dad’s golf bag, mind you) and everyone had a Merry Christmas, nonetheless. Me, I would take the twenty dollars I was given to spend on a gift, find something that was exactly that price and buy it, no matter what it was. It could’ve been an oversized t-shirt featuring a cow exclaiming “I’m Udderly Exhausted” or an automatic egg poacher. No matter, as long as I spent as much as I could. Probably explains my spending/saving habits to this day, come to think of it.
There was a day when a soap figurine was an adequate gift. Hell, my brother gave my dad a soap truck (complete with a pubic hair hood ornament) and some loose golf balls (which he found in dad’s golf bag, mind you) and everyone had a Merry Christmas, nonetheless. Me, I would take the twenty dollars I was given to spend on a gift, find something that was exactly that price and buy it, no matter what it was. It could’ve been an oversized t-shirt featuring a cow exclaiming “I’m Udderly Exhausted” or an automatic egg poacher. No matter, as long as I spent as much as I could. Probably explains my spending/saving habits to this day, come to think of it.
If my relatives knew how much I agonized over this stuff, they would probably be upset. But I’ve always been crazy spoiled by all of them, and now that I actually have a salary and use liquid soap, I should probably be getting them something a little classier. But with less than 100 hours left to work with, I’ve only got two people on my list covered. So I decided to get a little professional help. Enter the Gift Wizard.
The Gift Wizard, pictured above, is an online service that processes information about a recipient and generates gift ideas. The Gift Wizard, I should note, is also retarded.
I started with my mom, who never really asks for anything for Christmas. Ever. After asking for her sex, age and the occasion (and presumably licking a few windows), the Gift Wizard suggested that I get my mom a "Set of 2 Witty Aging Towels". Apparently the Gift Wizard thinks I should show Mom how much I love her with a menopause joke on a hand towel. "I'm still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes!" it proclaims. Get it, mom? Hot flashes! HAHAHAHAHA! Merry Christmas! Why are you crying?
Looking at the product shot, I have to wonder if these towels even exist. It actually looks like someone took stock photography of a towel and then used Microsoft Paint to add the text. Do they have any of these in stock, or is there going to be a major "Oh Shit" moment if (on the off chance) someone orders one of these travesties?
Still, I figured I'd give the Gift Wizard a second chance. I realize my mom's pretty tough to buy for, so maybe he could handle my uncle. One slight problem: apparently 'uncle' isn't an option on the male relatives list. Doesn't anybody get presents for their uncle anymore? Crap. Looks like I'm going to have to improvise. We'll just pretend that he's my older brother.
In his infinite wisdom, the Gift Wizard recommends....
A Roman Coin.
WTF? Based on what? All the Gift Wizard knows is that this is my brother (uncle) and that he's over 50, and that we're celebrating Christmas. Based on this limited information, the Gift Wizard has determined that my brother (uncle) wants an authentic coin of the Roman Empire, certified to have been minted between 240 and 410 AD. Handmade, so no two are alike. Each features an emperor on one side and various myths or history on the reverse.
Oh, and the coin is $17.98. Really? Are there that many 1500-year-old coins out there that they can sell them for less than twenty bucks? Also the gift includes a handsome leather-like display binder & certificate that guarantees authenticity. A 1500-year-old coin in a handsome leather-like display. It's not even authentic leather, for God's sake.
Something tells me the Gift Wizard isn't going to help me find anything better than a hair-covered bar of soap. Worst of all, I've wasted precious time sorting through these ridiculous gift ideas, like the subscription to the Earring-of-the-Month Club or Bibleopoly, the Christian monopoly where the object of the game is to be the first player to build a church in one of the Bible cities.
Screw you, Gift Wizard. To the rest of you, have a happy, safe and relatively stress-free holiday. I'm off to the malls.
Love,
Steph
