I'm Having Octuplets!!

Dear Mom and Dad,

Good news! Me and my six children are moving in with you! I know you were a little bit disappointed with me when I decided to have half a dozen kids while I was busy with the whole filing-for-bankruptcy thingy. But now it’s all good because it’s going to bring us closer together! Like hella close together! Plus it will be like I'm not bankrupt anymore because I'll have access to all of your stuff!

But wait, there’s more good news! Obviously I was having some trouble conceiving since I only had 6 children in the span of 8 years, so I started getting fertility treatments. Not the weak-ass ginseng or gingko-Rocky-Balboa treatments, I’m talking full-on, baby-implants, crazy scientific stuff. And guess what? The eggs took. All eight of them!

Do you know what this means? I’m prego with eight babies! I’m going to be as famous as those spotted damnations or whatever in that one Disney movie!

It also means that you will soon get to live with me and my fourteen children! Isn’t that cool? It’s going to be just like old times, except with fourteen more kids to feed and bathe and clothe and…well, you get the idea. Don’t worry about money because I’ve seen Oprah and I know what she does for people who have lots of babies. We’ll probably get tickets to her “Favorite Things” episode for life! Last year they gave away Sub-Zero refrigerators and special-edition Crocs! You love Crocs!!

That being said, I’m really going to need you and Dad to step it up a little bit. TLC will probably want to do a show about us, so you might want to reconsider your hairstyle and update the furniture a bit. It'll be just like John and Kate Plus 8...Plus 6! Oh, and minus the dad. My husband won’t be around to help, as he’d rather do some contract work in a war-torn country than spend time with what he calls “the legion of frickin’ rugrats you insisted on crapping out.” Gosh, he makes me laugh.

FYI, you'll both probably have to take on second jobs until the freebies kick in. I'm going to focus on being a stay-at-home mom who is staying at her mom's home--LOL!! That's funny. I've also hired a contractor to build an addition on your home (Maybe Extreme Makeover Home Edition will chip in?) If we're going to beat the Duggar family in the baby count we still have a long way to go! Whelp, I think that's about it. I know this is all pretty sudden and you're going to want to process everything, but unfortunately the media crews are already setting up on your newly sodded lawn, so let's just run with it, mm?

Thanks in advance for everything!

Love bunches,
Your daughter

UPDATE: Okay, so I got some of the facts mixed up. Apparently she doesn't know who the father of either sets of babies is, and it's the grandpappy that's going to Iraq to work. That...makes more sense...? I so want to send the poor grandmother this shirt:

Welcome, 2009! Now Where's My Damned Flying Car?

It's a new year. Well, technically it's twenty-days-old, but twenty-days-old is pretty fresh (unless we're talking about produce or wounds). And while I still don't have a flying car--or a car with functioning keyless entry, for that matter--I am eagerly looking forward to a lot of new beginnings in 2009.

My dad's new restaurant, for one. All of his efforts are beginning to take shape and the entire family is stoked--partially because most of them work there. Dad, Mom and my brother are all playing a role in the daily operations of the restaurant while I watch from a safe distance of two hours away. Sure, I'm a bit jealous that they'll get to spend so much time together. Soon they'll probably have their own inside jokes, develop their own secret language, and their periods will all sync up. But I also realize that daily exposure to my parents causes me to have an allergic reaction where my eyes roll back into my head and I inadvertently let out long, exasperated sighs, so my lack of participation is probably better for everyone.

Secondly, my job. Every day the challenges seem to become more complex and the deadlines and budgets seem to be tighter and the coffee seems to be weaker (freaking recession). And while it's consuming an assload of my free time, I'm feeling more and more responsible, integral and empowered. I say this despite the fact that the stress is giving me intermittent bouts of Bell's palsy, the fact that I can no longer complete a sentence without forgetting what I was saying, looking at the floor, looking at the ceiling and then screaming 'WHY GOD?' and the fact that when I get out of work at 9 pm I catch myself doing 45 mph on the interstate and being cursed at by the glaucomic octogenarian who's passing me on the right. In summary: I'm proud, exhilarated and also operating at the comprehension level of a tree fungus.

And finally, my life. 2009 seems as good a time as any to start anew. I'm going to devote myself to spending as much time as possible enjoying myself and the company of my friends. Life is short, and one of these days I'm going to wake up and be a grown-up. Until that day comes, I don't care if it seems like I'm lagging behind my peers in the "getting married and/or knocked up" race. Because I'm still allowed to go out on Wednesday nights, and keep only eggs and ketchup and expired salad dressing in my fridge, and pass gas in my sleep and never have to find out about it.

Point is, I think 2009 is going to be a good year. Hope you all feel the same.

Cheers,
Steph