The Panty Abandoner Strikes Again

If you're an avid reader of this blog, 1) you're probably bitterly disappointed in me most of the time, 2) you're a little mentally challenged and would likely be entertained watching water drip out of a faucet and 3) you're familiar with the small rash of bathroom criminals I encounter on a day-to-day basis at my office.


I should note that I don't think any of my coworkers are responsible for these unsavory bathroom behaviors. We share our floor (and subsequently our bathrooms) with some architects, some personal injury lawyers and their derelict clients. Now, I have no proof that any of these groups are to blame, but if you had to guess, who do you think would be most likely to defecate on their hands and then wipe it all over the toilet paper?


Besides the Three-Fingered Doodie Bandit, we also have a caveperson who continuously leaves her undergarments in the sanitary napkin disposal (not once, not twice, but thrice). The next unfortunate soul who has to use the disposal for its intended purposes then gets a eyeful of orphaned panties.


Today, she struck again, this time with a ballet-slipper pink cotton number popular with grannies the world over.






I know what you're thinking. "Stephanie. You adorable but twisted demon! You slender, attractive genius! Why would you subject us to such a horrible image?"

Because I had to see it. Because someday, when I'm not be paying attention, I might get a knuckle full of someone else's netherfilth. Because I have to go through the rest of the day knowing that I'm sharing air with some crazy, soiled lady, who is now wandering around commando. That's why I'm posting them.


Hugs,
Steph

Guess What I Am Consuming Right Now?

A. Lasagna lovingly prepared by Bonfilia, a blind, Italian elderly woman.


B: A medium rare filet paired with a stunning Maine lobster tail. Market price, natch.



C: Celebratory strawberries and champagne, compliments of my publisher.


D: Whatever I could find.


If you answered D, you are correct. If you answered canned tuna topped with expired Mexican shredded cheese, washed down with a Bud Light I stole from my brother, you are psychic.

Just Flew Back From Hiatus, And Boy Are My Excuses Tired

Hey gang!

Yep, it's really me, and it's been way too long since I blogged last. I'd feel pretty bad about it too, if I didn't realize that you were all very busy, important people that have better things to do than read about my plumbing problems. Still, I made a commitment to keep a (mostly) candid diary of my goings-on, and for the last few weeks, well--I've been sucking major wind.

Sadly, I don't have the time to do the girthy post you deserve. So I give you another Steph Status, and with it a glimmer of hope I might be able to bring you girthier posts in the near future. And to make it even more interesting (or even remotely interesting) I'll repost October's Steph Status and we can compare.

STEPH STATUS: 10/23
Consecutive days without drinking: Zip.
Last shower: This morning--on a whim.
Mood: Slightly murderous with a chance of apathy.
Financial status: Not homeless and\or selling crack. Yet.
Boyfriend: Not by a mile.
Stray cats: Seven.
Stray cats for pet purposes, not food purposes: Zilch-o.
Most desired item: A stupid Louis Vuitton bag I have no business owning.
Next thing I'll probably purchase: Chairs. Taco seasoning. Booze.
What's making me mad right now: My wireless card keeps falling apart and I got chocolate in it somehow.
What's making me happy right now: The idea that somewhere, this very second, someone is dropping their iPhone into a puddle in the middle of traffic.

STEPH STATUS 7/16
Consecutive days without drinking: Zip. Obviously some things haven't changed.
Last shower: This morning, actually. Apparently I'm also consistent when it comes to hygiene.
Mood: Overwhelmed. Is that a mood? No? Fine. Bitchy due to overwhelmingedom.
Financial Status: Considering surrogate motherhood. As long as the adoptive parents let me drink. And I get to name the baby after my dragon name, Itrenore the Flame Starter (No really, it is. You can find yours here.)
Boyfriend: Yes, although maybe not after he discovers that I have a dragon name.
Stray cats: None. I collect homeless people now. Like my brother.
Most desired item: A hovercraft that runs on smiles.
Next thing I'll probably purchase: Freakin' gas.
What's making me mad right now: Not having time to write for fun. The Division of Water. The fact that there's a third Mummy movie coming out and that Brendan Fraser has an acting job instead of the Jamba Juice cashier position he deserves.
What's making me happy right now: Pretty much everything else.

Ah...it's good to be back. Hope all is well with all of you!

Steph