Thanksgiving Live Blog: 4:58

Dinner. Dessert. Bingo. Yes, this year Mom put together a friendly game of bingo to keep everyone entertained as they digested. An hour into it and all I had won was a set of coasters with a picture of a cornucopia on them. I was still doing better than my dad, who had only won a tape dispenser with no tape in it. I started getting hot toward the end and came out with a reindeer doormat, and my best prize yet, a five-dollar bill. My uncle traded me a key chain flashlight for the set of coasters (actually he refused to take the coasters but I hid them in his bag anyway. My aunt was the big winner as always, walking away with sudoku puzzles, a word search, candles, a box of Good N' Plenty's and five-dollar bill.

Next year I'm going to buy the prizes. I can't wait to see the look on my Aunt's face when she unwraps a shoehorn, or when my brother opens up a rectal thermometer.

Thanksgiving Live Blog: 12:27

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all! I'm at the family household and everyone is here. Dinner (we use that term loosely) will be served just as soon as we stop fighting over oven space, and *gasp* microwave space. Ah, good old homecookin'.

So here's the status: 3 deviled eggs, 14 cocktail shrimp, 17 crackers and cheese, two glasses of red wine and a Swamp Thing. By the way, while other people have been put in charge of the turkey, the dressing, the green bean casserole or the apple crisp, I'm in charge of the Swamp Thing. What is it, you ask? Well, it's a shot of Chambord, frozen raspberry daquiri, frozen lime margarita and a shot of Midori, all perfectly layered. Why have we been drinking them since ten in the morning, you ask? Mind your own damn business.

Anyway, wherever you are, I hope you're enjoying a wonderful turkey day with the ones you love. I'll check back later, when everyone's buzz kicks in and things get really interesting.

Back in the Saddle

Whew--home at last. I've been off on a whirlwind tour of the country (okay, Los Angeles and Kansas City, but that's a pretty good cross-section of the entire country, wouldn't you say?) It was a fun little trip but I can honestly say it's good to be back in Cleveland, despite the bitter cold and miserable people that welcomed me home.

Last week was my first time ever in Kansas City. And Missouri, for that matter. And anywhere near that desolate area between Chicago and Vegas, for that matter. And to be completely honest, it was a great little city. Maybe I'm being a little generous because of this new little discovery, but I enjoyed the bars and even some of the people. Mostly the bars, of course. Sure, I wasn't a huge fan of the "Little Guadalupe" district, but I have to admit there were some cool neighborhoods.

I don't know if it's milder weather, or the BBQ, or cheap alcohol (everywhere we went it was 'two for one' drink specials--on a completely separate note, have you ever woken up in a dumpster with nothing but receipts in your pockets?) but the people of Kansas City were so friggin' pleasant. You couldn't squint your eyes without someone asking you if you need directions, would like a bologna sandwich , or if you wanted to come to their cousin's wedding the following day for free booze.

The bars were packed, even on a Tuesday night. And when you accidentally bumped into someone, stepped on someone's foot or ran over their miniature pony with your car, they just smiled and said 'no biggie, it was probably my fault anyway'. Incredible! I just wanted to hug them all, then dissect them to figure out what kind of Stepford Wives shenanigans were going on in there.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is upon us, and with that in mind I'd like to give a few quick thanks. First, to the fine people of Kansas City for being such great hosts. Secondly, to God, who apparently became a Browns fan, at least for three seconds this past Sunday. And to my friends and family, who have somehow managed to get this site up to 1000 hits (okay, I confess, I've been hitting the refresh button non-stop since I started this thing). I love you all and hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Speaking of, my family Thanksgivings always turn out to be a colorful affair. Who knows, I might do a little live blogging from the whole sordid--err, splendid affair. If it's anything like recent years, expect a few hundred typos and at least one story about waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a note that says "Call 911".

Cheers!

Screw The Derby--I Just Want To Dance!

The good people at Best Week Ever have opened my eyes to a whole new kind of animal abuse. It's called Competitive Horse Dancing, but in this girl's humble opinion, it's the craziest damn thing I've ever seen (aside from that Japanese game show where the young girls had to wear strip steaks on their forehead and stick their head into an iguana cage. Don't believe me? Watch it.) It also trumps men's wrestling and nude leapfrog as the gayest sport on Earth.

There's a lot going on in this six-minute routine, but there are two things I just can't get over. One, the fact that there are more people in the stands than there were during the Diamondbacks Rockies playoff series. And secondly, the announcers! Oh, you just have to hear them. They make Scott Hamilton at the Winter Olympics sound like he's calling the World's Strongest Lumberjack contest on ESPN 2. These guys must get a handful of Quaaludes and a feather boa before each routine. There are too many highlights, but here is one of my favorite exchanges, uttered about three minutes into the clip:



ANNOUNCER 1: Well it's not often that I'm lost for words, but, ahhh, it's one of those moments now. I think that it's just absolutely sensational.
ANNOUNCER 2: You just sit back and enjoy it.
ANNOUNCER 1: (long pause) Ohh.



Tap tap. "Excuse me? You're two grown men. Watching another grown man on a horse that's stepping to the beat of Lady Marmalade. And you're groveling. Just wanted to let you know. Okay then, carry on."

Please have a look. Proof that when it comes to strange competitive sports, the Brits are putting the Japanese to shame.

Hope You're Sitting Down For This

You're never going to believe it: I'm back with more excuses. I know, I know, I'm a terrible person. There's just been a lot going at work, around the house--a lot of action pretty much everywhere, except for on the blog and in my underpants.

And it's getting even busier! I'll be in LA all next week and Kansas City the week after. I'll have my enormous laptop with me, which means I might be able to post remotely. It also means I'll have to have my back adjusted when I get back. Ah well. Tales from the road, people. It's what it's all about.

So I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween. I went as a dirty sailor hooker. A homeless man laughed at me. Pretty much says it all.

Love ya bunches! Have a good weekend.