All I Wanted To Do Was Check My Mail

Today AOL wished me a pleasant morning by greeting me with this:



This leads me to believe that AOL is reading all of my emails and is trying to intervene with my personal life, like an aging relative that's worried they won't make it to see me bear children.

Well, maybe next year, AOL. So my date isn't going to get me flowers, but at least he gave me some sort of gift, judging from the pretty little red satin box on my lap. Or is that filled with the ashes of all of my old cremated feline dates?

Dear Budweiser....PTOOOEY!

Okay, I know this won't be a popular opinion. How do I know? Because we, the American people, voted two Budweiser commercials into the top three commercials of this year's Super Bowl. In case you missed the Super Bowl, all you need to know is the Browns didn't win. Again. Otherwise nothing really of any importance happened, aside from the fact that Anheuser Busch decided to fart out some of the cheesiest attempts to tug at our collective heartstrings ever created, and I for one am not buying it.

I realize I'm a bit of a cynic, but bear in mind that I'm in advertising. And a good commercial can make me straight-up weepy. Believe it or not, I appreciate sentimental, (air quotes) "cute" advertising just as much as the next Iowa farmer's wife on two glasses of Zin. And I am pretty tolerant of the cute animal extortion every brand seems to dabble in from time to time.

But honestly, I CAN'T BELIEVE that America thought these were among the best spots of the Super Bowl. If you missed them, take a look: Circus, Fetch, Generations.

HAHAHAHAHAH! AWWWWWW! Weren't those just a delight? You're probably thirsty for a crisp, cool, full-flavored Budweiser.

Or if you're like me, you're craving a super-sized box of Kotex to cram into your ears and sop up the blood that's seeping out of your brain. Don't be fooled, people, they're not good. There is NO idea here. None. Rather, a group of probably very talented, very constricted creatives were told they had to come up with something adorable and nipple-free that had to do with clydesdales, and this is what they delivered. And to them I say...boooooooo.

Guy throws stick. Cute dog gets stick. Handsome horse gets tree. Millions of viewers piddle themselves with glee. In thirty sappy, mindless seconds, Budweiser proudly proclaimed: THIS IS NOT THE BEER FOR YOU! Please stay tuned for one of our Bud Light ads, which has been outfitted with the appropriate number of wiener jokes for your demographic. Sorry for wasting your time.

But is the typical Budweiser drinker compelled by this type of fluff? Or should Budweiser just sell their ideas to the audiences who are more successfully reached by this type of advertising?

I kid, I kid. Well, mostly. Honestly, there wasn't a lot to choose from as far as Super Bowl-worthy advertising goes. But what about the adorable and beautifully-done Coke ad? What about the CareerBuilder ad, which made you realize how bad hating your job would be and how therapeutic it would be to punch a cute animal once in awhile?

Right now I have a hankering to punch a few horses, anyway.