Your Daily Dose of WTF?

Today's WTF? moment is brought to you by the driver of custom Dodge Neon that I passed on my way to work this morning. Now, I don't live all that far from Lorain, so custom Neons aren't exactly a rare sighting for me. Usually I see "sweet whips" like this:

Or this:

Or my personal favorite, this:

(If I told you it had flames on the side, would that make it ironic or just plain hilarious?)

And in my personal experience, any one who goes to great lengths to customize their Neon is...well, a bit of a douche, really.

This douchiness was taken to new heights today, when I saw that someone had customized their black Dodge Neon to look like a skunk. And I'm talking skunk decals on the bumpers, a single white stripe across the entire top of the body, and the pièce de résistance, a sizable, bushy tail affixed to the rear of the car.

Of course, when I say "bushy tail", I'm referring to the large piece of artificial Christmas tree that someone spray painted black and white to look (I guess) like a skunk's tail. To round off the skunk theme, a small menagerie of skunk beanie babies and other various pieces of stuffed skunk shit were proudly displayed in the rear window.

Okay, quick sidenote. Everyone has some little pet peeve that makes them immediately despise someone--without even having to speak to them or even see their face. For me, that thing is crapping up the back window of your car with stupid-ass stuffed animals. The very nanosecond I see stuffed animals on exhibit in someone's car, I immediately know that I have nothing in common with the driver and start fantasizing about that particular person driving theirself and their car full of freakin' Webkins off a cliff. Can't. Stand. It.

So here I am behind a Dodge Neon that has been (poorly) customized to resemble an animal known primarily for its exceptionally disgusting ass spewage. Normally I use my morning commute to clear my mind and prepare myself for the workday ahead. Today I had to spend every second of it trying to imagine what would inspire a person to take a perfectly crappy Dodge Neon and further crappify it by making it a skunk-on-wheels.

I actually Googled "skunk fetish" (for the first time ever, I swear!) when I got into the office today, and sure enough, it exists. There's even a love story about it, which kind of makes me want to purée kittens.

Here's a touching summary:

This novel tells of a young man’s attraction and ultimate addiction to skunk musk, and the social difficulties he encounters as a result. He longs to find an isolated utopia where he can experience his addiction in peace, but he is thwarted by all, including a young woman who understands his skunk fetish because she has a fish fetish.

People are just weird. People like the owner of the skunk car. I'm sorry that I don't have any pictures to show you, but the sheer douchiness of that image would've completely cleansed my memory card. But, in my humble opinion, when a skunk and a car get together, it should look like one thing.

You Will NEVER Guess What I'm Doing Right Now

Let's see here. It's Monday. It appears lovely outside. And I'm on my lunch break. What could I possibly be using this precious free time for?

Taking a midday stroll, perhaps? Reading a few chapters of a book under a shady tree? Delivering a half-eaten cinnamon roll to the somewhat attractive homeless person (very attractive by homeless person standards) outside our building?

Actually, no. None of those things. Because I am on the phone with the Division of Water. And, shocker, I'm on hold.

I have two major problems with the Division of Water (well, three, if you count that $700 water bill they sent me).

1. I think only one person works there at a time, and they are usually sleeping. I've never called this place and waited for less than a half an hour to speak to someone, and when I do finally reach someone, they sound like they've been disturbed from a deep, deep slumber.

2. Their hold music is horrible and the loop is too short. After 15 seconds of music, a man interjects and offers a completely disingenuous-sounding apology. Then 15 seconds of music. Then another half-assed (quarter-assed, really) apology. It is literally the ambient sounds of the elevators of hell.

I suppose most unnerving of all is the fact that I am having to make this phone call in the first place. After receiving the $677 water bill, I called to see if there might have been, oh, I don't know, A COLOSSAL FREAKING MISTAKE. They sent someone out to check my meter, everything was fine, and I was told to call the Division of Water for further instructions. They then sent a "special inspector" out, who did the very same thing, except he also checked out all my bathrooms and got a closer look at my dirty underwear. Everything looks normal (with the bathrooms, not the panties) so he told me to call the Division of Water for more instructions. So now I am on hold AGAIN, waiting for them to tell me they'll be sending a "special SPECIAL inspector" who I'm assuming will do all of the same stuff, plus give me a rectal exam.

I hate water. That is all for now.