You Will NEVER Guess What I'm Doing Right Now

Let's see here. It's Monday. It appears lovely outside. And I'm on my lunch break. What could I possibly be using this precious free time for?

Taking a midday stroll, perhaps? Reading a few chapters of a book under a shady tree? Delivering a half-eaten cinnamon roll to the somewhat attractive homeless person (very attractive by homeless person standards) outside our building?

Actually, no. None of those things. Because I am on the phone with the Division of Water. And, shocker, I'm on hold.

I have two major problems with the Division of Water (well, three, if you count that $700 water bill they sent me).

1. I think only one person works there at a time, and they are usually sleeping. I've never called this place and waited for less than a half an hour to speak to someone, and when I do finally reach someone, they sound like they've been disturbed from a deep, deep slumber.

2. Their hold music is horrible and the loop is too short. After 15 seconds of music, a man interjects and offers a completely disingenuous-sounding apology. Then 15 seconds of music. Then another half-assed (quarter-assed, really) apology. It is literally the ambient sounds of the elevators of hell.

I suppose most unnerving of all is the fact that I am having to make this phone call in the first place. After receiving the $677 water bill, I called to see if there might have been, oh, I don't know, A COLOSSAL FREAKING MISTAKE. They sent someone out to check my meter, everything was fine, and I was told to call the Division of Water for further instructions. They then sent a "special inspector" out, who did the very same thing, except he also checked out all my bathrooms and got a closer look at my dirty underwear. Everything looks normal (with the bathrooms, not the panties) so he told me to call the Division of Water for more instructions. So now I am on hold AGAIN, waiting for them to tell me they'll be sending a "special SPECIAL inspector" who I'm assuming will do all of the same stuff, plus give me a rectal exam.

I hate water. That is all for now.