Browns 51, Bengals 45
Pigs are traveling by air and cats are making love to dogs and Britney Spears is staging a successful comeback. Because yesterday the Browns beat the Bengals. And scored 51 points in the process!
Oh, it was glorious! I just wanted to kiss the large, hairy man in front of me, who thought he'd entertain me between plays by showing off four inches of butt cleavage. My eyes welled up when Leigh Bodden intercepted that final pass. A choir of angels sang and my beer turned into two white doves which flew out of my hands and into the perfectly blue sky.
And you know what else? The Browns are at .500! Ah. Do you smell that? Smells like...average. And any sensible Browns fan will take average, and be quite happy about it.
It was so wonderful that I totally forgot about the bratwurst that someone had pelted me with at the tailgate. Unfortunately the brat had exploded upon impact leaving behind a brat gravy which was beginning to attract ants. But I didn't even care! No insect stings were going to stop me from enjoying this incredible moment in Browns history.
Derek Anderson, I'm sorry I called you all of those names. I'm sure you're not a twirling fartknocker. And Jamal Lewis, you aren't the overpriced old buttlick I thought you were. For everything I might have ever muttered under my breath (or screamed at my television set, causing a half-dozen elderly neighbors to go into cardiac arrest) I am sorry.
Today, I am happy. Pigeons will be spared from kicking. Slow drivers will not be heckled. Homeless people will be hugged (not really, but I won't tell them to stop whining and get their resume together). I will be nice to every creature I meet.
Ugh, this is going to be hard.
1 comment:
my favorite part of this post is where you say "buttlick" hahahaha
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