Hey—look at me.
Is there something leafy in my teeth?
Okay. Check my nose. Do I have any bats in the cave?
No? Well, what about the makeup? Did I screw up the eyeliner already? Am I pulling an Amy Winehouse over here or what?
Fine. Smell my breath. Is it nasty? No really, smell it. You can’t smell it from that far, get closer and really get a whiff! And be honest!
Phew. So what? Is it the outfit? Too revealing? Not revealing enough? Do I have a wedgie? A muffin top? A ninja foot?? Oh God, not that I hope!
No?? Good.
How about toilet paper on my shoe? An elbow growing out of my face? A suddenly lazy eye? A moustache? A unibrow??
Head lice? Face worms? Corn teeth? A shelf ass? Cankles?
Nope? So...what the heck is it? WHAT? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY NO ONE IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE HAS APPROACHED ME YET?!?!
Oh, wait. Is it because I just had an existential breakdown in the middle of a sports bar and I’ve only finished half a drink?
Well, crap. Let’s go somewhere else and try this again.
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