Like most people who watched the MTV Video Music Awards last night, I was banking on seeing one of two things: a glittery, jaw-dropping comeback performance in true Britney fashion or an absolute train wreck in even truer Britney fashion. In retrospect, I'm not even sure what the hell I saw.
To be honest, I was expecting to witness something truly freaky. Like some crazy-ass performance art in which Britney would set fire to her eyebrows and pee all over tabloid magazine covers, all while juggling a Red Bull, a carton of Marlboros and little Jayden James.
Instead, millions of viewers (well, at least thousands of viewers) were treated to a three minute...thing, that felt a lot more like a blocking session than a true performance. If Britney actually had her microphone turned on, all the audience would hear would be her moaning "brains...must eat brains..." as she lethargically stumbled about and rubbed against her back-up dancers (for stability, I'm assuming).
For the entire performance, Britney moved around stage like a wad of meat in a pinball machine. The star of the show was really her muffin top as it constantly threatened to take over the entire upper half of her shorts and put someone's eye out.
Anyone who has witnessed past Britney performances was horrified by last night. I mean, she has always lacked a certain something...oh, I don't know...live singing, maybe? But she was always entertaining in a "any minute this sparkly bra could be three rows into the audience and I could be making out with Sinead O'Connor" sort of way.
Someone please explain what has happened to poor little Britney. Is it prescription medicine? Alcohol? Young motherhood? Being married to a scrawny, fame-whoring succubus? An overly-tight weave problem?
I don't know about you, but I'm going to try and avoid all of the above. Oh, except for the alcohol. Lord knows it's going to take a stiff drink to erase the memory of Sunday's "performance."
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