The holidays are months away, but sociopaths--err, I mean toy designers, are already releasing the "IT" toys of 2007. A few days ago I noticed that Elmo is back with a brand new bag, and by bag, I mean a singing pan pizza that is clearly possessed by the devil.
If you don't feel like sleeping for a fortnight, you can watch Singing Pizza Elmo in action here.
It's been awhile since Tickle Me Elmo and the other one (what was it? Heavy Pet Me Elmo?)--so I had almost forgotten how much this character disturbs me. There's something really creepy about a 45-year-old man lending that kind of voice to a vibrating muppet. Sure, the guy looks harmless. But can't you just see him using that voice for evil?
"Hey kids, it's Elmo! Help me, I'm stuck in the back of this unmarked van under a pile of golden retriever puppies and popsicles!"
Anyway, one can only imagine what's next for Elmo and his inanimate-object-come-to-life friends. Speaking-in-Tongues Lasagna Elmo? Severed Kitten Head Bongos Elmo? Soul-stealing Blueberry Scone Elmo? "It Puts the Lotion on the Skin" Elmo??
Here's a thought: this year, skip buying your children these freaky-ass toys and just send them straight to therapy. You'll thank me years from now, when an entire generation of deeply disturbed kids are tossing their parents into wood chippers.
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