A Letter To The Owner Of My Parking Lot

Dear Sata--err...

To Whom It May Concern,

It has been brought to my attention that the cost of parking in your fine facility has been increased by 39.5%, effective October 1st. I must say that upon receiving this news, I may have been slightly upset and irrational (translation: had a mini-seizure and threw a stapler at someone's head). But now that I'm clearheaded and the assault charges have been dropped, I'm ready to openly discuss the price increase and find a common ground with you and your fine staff.

First and foremost, I think that I will be much more understanding of your price gougin--err, fee modification--if I knew exactly how this additional cost might improve our garage. For instance, I understand that many parking structures have issues with peeling paint, but I've never seen a building that actually has a dandruff problem. And although I don't particularly mind tracking white flakes of lead paint all over the entire west side of Cleveland, I am concerned that the pigeons and homeless people that occupy the garage are confusing the paint leavings for tortilla chips.

Also, you may or may not be aware that we've been experiencing some technical issues with the entrance gate. Many mornings, the front panel of your control box is completely missing and the poor attendant lady is hot wiring the thing in order to get tickets to spit out. Other times, the actual gate seems to have gone missing, and in its place is a couple yardsticks held together with duct tape. Generally when these mishaps occur (three or four times a week, usually), your people give your loyal monthly customers a form to fill out and bring in the next day so your administrative staff can account for us. Most of the time I simply throw this form out. Sometimes I burn it.

I also feel compelled to mention that you have a series of formations growing in the parking structure that should probably be reported to either a geologist or a HAZMAT team. Certainly I'm no expert, but based on their location, I believe these white stalactites are made of cigarette ashes, bird doo and bum wiz. And I usually have to park directly beneath them.

Finally, there's the small issue of the stairs between parking levels. The indoor stairwell has a significant rust problem. While the steps are in disrepair and shift constantly, I'm afraid to hold onto the railing until I get another tetanus shot. Also, it sort of smells like dead people, and feels like the kind of place you'd run into Larry Craig.

The other set of stairs is outdoors, which makes it much easier on the nose. Even though it's outside, it also doesn't appear to have as severe of a rust problem--I'm starting to wonder what exactly the indoor steps were exposed to in order to reach the state they're in. Actually, the only real trouble with the outdoor steps is that I nearly perish every time I use them. You see, the metal grate material you've used for each step might have been a poor choice. The six-inch gaps in the grate aren't ideal for the type of shoes people wear to work. Unless, of course, you wear scuba flippers to work--and I rarely do.

I realize I might be coming off as a bit of a whiner. Really, I just thought the amount of money I was already spending to park with you was enough for a few updates, or even an annual power washing. To be honest, all of your facility's shortcomings didn't really bug me until I got news of the price increase. Now they're all I can see.

Perhaps there's another way to make your garage more profitable? Here's a thought: instead of charging all of us more to park there, start charging the crazies who are constantly wandering around the garage to be there. Like the strange Mr. Rogers-looking man, whose apparent OCD prevents him from stepping on cracks (and prevents us from being able to enter the lot for the ten minutes it takes him to shuffle by.) Or the person who keeps leaving the "Are You Going to Heaven?" brochures in the stairwells. Or anyone that has in any way contributed to the formation of the stalactites. Because I'm pretty sure those are not the people who are paying you to park there everyday.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know the state of affairs at your parking facility so that you might reconsider increasing our monthly fee by such a gratuitous amount, especially when you've been so completely blasé about your garage becoming one giant car toilet.

Thanks in advance,

Stephanie