I'll Miss My Computer, The Filthy Whore That It Was

At work, I use one of the older Dell laptop models. Unlike more modern laptops, this one wasn't designed to travel anywhere. I know this because it weighs 46 pounds. Still, it gets the job done...that is, if its job is to pick up more viruses than Paris Hilton on a Sunset Strip bar crawl.

So yesterday things looked pretty bleak when I turned it on and all I got was a black screen and some sort of suicide note in MS-DOS script. Something like "error message 00110: can't open windows >//> wishing for the sweet release of death>//> : boot drive you all will be better off without me."

The IT guy went to work trying to resuscitate the damn thing and I got myself a lender laptop (similar to the original but even heavier, if you can believe it). While it was in his custody, I started to reminisce about my half-dead computer and all of the things we've been through together. I thought about how much I'll miss its little quirks when my laptop was finally off to the big garbage heap in the sky.

Like, how the mouse button slides out of place, leaving a green sticky spooge all over my fingers. No biggie as long as I'm not using my mouse, which I need for BASICALLY EVERYTHING.

Or, how the broken fan inside my laptop causes the machine to produce a considerable amount of heat. Good thing the IT guy taught me that trick where I prop my computer up on my stapler so the heat has somewhere to escape. Otherwise my desk might be covered with burns and my stapler might actually be used for stapling.

Or the way it just chooses to "hibernate"--that's what Microsoft calls it, I call it slipping into a irreversible coma and erasing everything I've worked on in the past millennium--for absolutely no rhyme or reason.

Or the way that the volume seems to come in and out inexplicably, and make random sounds without provocation. This can usually be resolved by pounding on the computer in just the right spot. I still haven't figured out how to get it to stop telling me to kill people, though.

And finally, the way that it just stole $200 worth of iTunes from me (assuming it can't be repaired). My laptop is so cute when it robs me blind of all the music I used to enjoy whenever the volume was cooperating.

Oh, gigantic, horrible laptop...you will be truly missed. Perhaps you will come back to this world in the form of something a little more advanced, like a Skip-It, or maybe even a Teddy Ruxpin.

UPDATE: Computer is fixed! IT guy was able to talk it out of suicide, so it's back on my desk, atop my stapler, leaving green ass-goo all over me. Fortunately, all my music is still there. I don't know how I would begin to replace my classic George Michael or Howard Jones collections.

I think I just figured out why my computer wants to kill itself.