Tips For Picking Up A Younger Woman

So you’re thinking about dating a younger woman. Good for you! It may have been awhile since you’ve tried to pick up a “total hottie,” so here are a few tips to help you achieve complete cradle-robbing success.

Wear a Hawaiian shirt.

While the loud, floral print says “I know how to party”, the collar tells her that you are career-minded and ambitious. Be sure to leave a few buttons undone so she can see your crucifix necklace—young girls are so spiritual these days.

Give out lots of high-fives.

Show her how tight you are with your older bros by high-fiving them whenever appropriate. Asking her to “bump fists” is also highly encouraged, as it makes her feel like she is part of your “posse.” There are many great opportunities in which to use the high-five, like after you ask your buddies “How hot is this broad?” or after you do the math and determine how old you were when she was born. “Dude, I was like twelve when your parents did it.” High-five. Awesome.

Put her on the spot.

Sure, you’ve only know her for three and a half minutes. But you need to know if this girl is “for real.” Ask her questions like “Do you think I’m attractive?” and “What is your favorite thing about me?” If you’re not satisfied with her answer, loudly tell your friend that you don’t think she likes you very much. That way she’ll feel bad and start properly complimenting you.

Pay her a compliment. Over and over again.

Younger women are very self-conscious and need constant reassurance. Choose a compliment you think she’ll appreciate, and then repeat it as often as you can. “You’re neat” is a solid compliment. Every time she speaks, throw back your head in a fit of uncontrollable laughter and then tell her that she’s neat. Then elbow your friend and tell him how neat she is.

Leave all the child seats in the car when you go out.

From the moment they meet you, young women are constantly evaluating you as a potential husband and the father of their unborn children. Show off your parental aptitude by giving her a lift home in a car filled with child safety seats. Don’t bother telling her about your preexisting brood earlier in the evening—she’ll put it all together as she climbs over a menagerie of Thomas the Tank Engine books and a pile of Pampers.

By now, she should be putty in your older hands. Invite her to your “pad” for a nightcap. Unless, of course, it’s your weekend with the kids.

In completely unrelated news, I’m still single. How was your weekend?