I Know Why One Fifth Of Americans Can't Find The U.S. On A Map

Simply put, one fifth of Americans are stupid as hell. Blame the education system all you want (clearly it failed Miss South Carolina) but if somewhere along the way you didn't figure out where the U.S. is on a map, it's your own friggin' fault. You can pick up this kind of information from the Weather Channel, for Christ's sake.

Speaking of education, it's back-to-school time again. While I've been out of school for a handful of years, I always know that classes are ready to resume when my mom starts mumbling to herself and carving pentagrams into her forearms.

Mom teaches remedial English at community college, which I imagine is about as simple as teaching the parallel parking course at Henrietta's Driving School for Blind Quadriplegics. This aside, she is very fond of her students and works tirelessly to help them succeed (success in this case is being able to write a complete, coherent paragraph. Just sayin'.)

To get a sense of what she's up against, my mom first asks each student to write a paragraph introducing themselves to her. Judging from this little gem (which my mom does not know that I have taken and posted--she is going to be pissed), methinks it's going to be a long semester.

Note: This is completely genuine. I have not added any details. A small part was deleted to protect the stupi--err, innocent.



"As you where to travel along the southern edge of [my town], you could find a place i call my own. It is the headquarters of my life. Its where i report to at the beginning of the day, and deport from in the evening hours. It is also home to a veraity of people, many in which are all knowledgeable beyond their time. However it is not a place for all, most visiters are not welcomed but yet find their way to the headquarters of my life. But bewarned if for some reason you find yourself near, make sure you watch to see who has you in their sights first."



I could break this down sentence by sentence and critique it, but I think it's kinda beautiful, just the way it is. One question, though: did he just threaten to shoot my mom if she ever came near his meth la--err, the headquarters of his life?

Anywhoozle, I wonder if the people who are "knowledgeable beyond their time" could locate the U.S. on a world map.