Dear Sir,
I have been a licensed driver for a full decade. In that time, I have seen a bevy of driving no-no’s. Eating hard tacos while merging onto the freeway, for one. Spanking children (who should really be in the backseat, a-thank you) while changing lanes. Why, I’ve even seen someone take both hands off the wheel in order to pop a zit on their forehead while careening through a school zone.
But you, operator of the white midsize SUV and presumed resident of the western suburbs—you showed me that I have only begun to understand just how lightly people take the responsibility of driving. After watching you slowly drift in and out of my lane for the fourth time, I decided I should bravely motor through your blind spot and determine whether or not you were experiencing some sort of narcoleptic attack. I’m guessing you missed my expression of horror as I sped by. Why? Because you were too busy SHUCKING CORN!
Explain to me, sir, the kind of side dish emergency that would have you shucking ears of sweet corn (okay, I don’t really know what kind of corn it was—I was paying attention to the damn road) while driving through a congested suburban roadway teeming with family cars, bikes, expectant mothers and little blind kittens. Did the missus threaten you with divorce if you didn’t deliver that golden goodness, cleaned and buttered, by six o’clock? Your corn shucking while driving was essentially a big middle finger to everyone around you, letting us know that the preservation of human life ranks slightly lower than vegetable preparation in your book.
I have to ask—do you always engage in such hazardous multi-tasking? I mean, do you burp your baby while trimming hedges? Do electrical work while giving your dog a bath? Sharpen knives while making love to your wife? Do you?!?
Guy in the white SUV, your day is coming. Not long from now, you’ll be on the freeway, slicing up okra for that night’s chicken gumbo. WHAMMO! You drive right into the back of a semi-truck! People will rush to the scene until they spot the vegetable knife resting in your trembling hands. Disgusted to learn that this tragedy could’ve been averted had you not been balancing a cutting board on the steering wheel, they will abandon you and your smoldering SUV. Eventually, your corpse will be discovered, half-eaten by blind kittens.
Regards,
Steph
I have been a licensed driver for a full decade. In that time, I have seen a bevy of driving no-no’s. Eating hard tacos while merging onto the freeway, for one. Spanking children (who should really be in the backseat, a-thank you) while changing lanes. Why, I’ve even seen someone take both hands off the wheel in order to pop a zit on their forehead while careening through a school zone.
But you, operator of the white midsize SUV and presumed resident of the western suburbs—you showed me that I have only begun to understand just how lightly people take the responsibility of driving. After watching you slowly drift in and out of my lane for the fourth time, I decided I should bravely motor through your blind spot and determine whether or not you were experiencing some sort of narcoleptic attack. I’m guessing you missed my expression of horror as I sped by. Why? Because you were too busy SHUCKING CORN!
Explain to me, sir, the kind of side dish emergency that would have you shucking ears of sweet corn (okay, I don’t really know what kind of corn it was—I was paying attention to the damn road) while driving through a congested suburban roadway teeming with family cars, bikes, expectant mothers and little blind kittens. Did the missus threaten you with divorce if you didn’t deliver that golden goodness, cleaned and buttered, by six o’clock? Your corn shucking while driving was essentially a big middle finger to everyone around you, letting us know that the preservation of human life ranks slightly lower than vegetable preparation in your book.
I have to ask—do you always engage in such hazardous multi-tasking? I mean, do you burp your baby while trimming hedges? Do electrical work while giving your dog a bath? Sharpen knives while making love to your wife? Do you?!?
Guy in the white SUV, your day is coming. Not long from now, you’ll be on the freeway, slicing up okra for that night’s chicken gumbo. WHAMMO! You drive right into the back of a semi-truck! People will rush to the scene until they spot the vegetable knife resting in your trembling hands. Disgusted to learn that this tragedy could’ve been averted had you not been balancing a cutting board on the steering wheel, they will abandon you and your smoldering SUV. Eventually, your corpse will be discovered, half-eaten by blind kittens.
Regards,
Steph
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