And I Thought The Furniture Was Bad

I don’t like to knock online dating. Personally, you won’t catch my mug shot on any of those sites—but who knows? I could be dateless in ten years and in need of some internet intervention. Probably not, though, as I imagine I’ll just get better and better looking between now and then. On the off chance that this doesn’t happen, however, I suppose it’s good to have a backup plan. So I try to play nice on the subject.

And it seems like sites like eHarmony.com and Match.com are really helping people find their “soulmate”, if such a thing exists. I watch the commercials and find myself going “Awww…those two people are adorably boring together! It’s almost like they met each other the normal, socially-accepted way.” All of the sites have some sort of sophisticated process to find someone perfect for you, even if you are a 70-year-old transvestite who subscribes to Cat Fancy and enjoys the smell of their own farts.

However, I can’t help but be endlessly amused at the people who take a do-it-yourself approach to internet dating. I’m talking about the people who, in lieu of a hiring a match maker, would rather post up a flyer in a dark alley and hope for the best. And when I say dark alley, I mean Craigslist.

My (futile) search for coffee tables opened my eyes to a whole new world of entertainment—the personal ads on Craigslist. I mean, wow. These people are really putting themselves out there. It almost makes me feel bad for ridiculing them in a blog. Well, I said *almost*.

Because I’m not a totally venomous harpy, I won’t post real pictures or names or phone numbers or anything. But the rest of it will not be altered, embellished, or edited in any way. Quite frankly, it doesn’t have to be.


Will she be my lady??? - 25 (Cleveland)

Reply to: ********
Date: *******
Please WOMEN only... I am a handsome, educated, street smart, male who is tired of crying. Now... It's all about me but I'm gonna give this all to you. If you are serious and aren't on any games I'll be your boyfriend and you be my lady. Hit me up... LADIES ONLY PLEASE!!!

Why do you suppose this guy feels the need to repeatedly beg men (in all caps) not to respond? How could someone mistake this clearly heterosexual personal ad for anything else? Could it be the fact that this guy has cried himself into exhaustion that might throw people off? Hmmm? Hmmmmmm? Maybe this is reverse psychology? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?

Massage - 41 (Parma)

Reply to: ********
Date: ********
Male seeks female for massage with happy ending...will pay forty for the hour..must be willing to host..attractive male lookin to relax for an hour..email back thanks

Well, no innuendo here. While I appreciate his honesty, I don’t know where you can find a regular hour-long massage for forty dollars, let alone one with a “happy ending”. Cheap bastard. I wish him a lifetime of dry, cracked, calloused hands.

ROMANTIC LOOKING FOR THE SAME - 31 (CLEV BURBS)

Reply to: ************
Date: *******

I'm a hopeless romantic ! I love to go out on a night on the town or relax around the house with a glass of wine AND a movie. I love to do things outdoors and indoors, You'll find me riding my Motorcycles or boating and fishing! i like to cook ( i think i'm a pretty good cook too :D ) i like to spend time with my dog. Hope u like pets! there my version of kids LOL I like pretty much all sports and play a few, I'm always down for catching a Browns or Indians game. i hope its the year, its hard being a cleveland sports fan LOL I work a lot! I'm a Finance Manager and put a lot of hours in each week. I would like to meet someone thats motivated and has goals in thier life! and likes to live life to the fullest!!! Anything else you want to know just ask. would love to chat !

Translation:

I’m a spineless douche!

I like to go out or stay in, really, whatever you say is fine AND I drink but don’t worry, not in excess and only while I’m doing something else like watching Patch Adams or your favorite movie, whatever that is. I like to do things indoors and outdoors and did I mention we can do whatever you want including selling my motorcycle and euthanizing my pets so your kids can move in. Now I feel like I should mention sports—ha ha, Cleveland is bad at them—I bet you think so too. We have so much in common! I work 70 hours a week because I’m just as big of a doormat at the office. I’d like to find someone who will exploit my kind and giving nature and castrate me with love.


LOOKING FOR MATURE 18 YEAR OLD FOR GIRLFRIEND - 36 (RockyRiver)

Reply to: *******
Date: **********

Good looking nice guy here looking for nice young 18 year chic to have fun with. If your tired of boys your age give me a try you won't regret it. If your interested lets talk it can't hurt to find out right? Don't be shy. Look foward to hear from you.

Call me. I’ll be in my unmarked van full of puppies. Seriously. What’s the worst thing that could happen? It’s not like you’re going to end up in a hole in my basement with a bottle of Jergensoh-there-I-go-again…carrying on like a silly billy. Hope to hear you screa—err, hear from you soon!

Well, picking on these poor, love-seeking souls has amassed me enough bad karma for one day. I'm going to head out and get crapped on by a pigeon or run over by a street sweeper now.