Steph Infection: Help Me Help...Me

Like many of you, I've put Halloween costume brainstorming off to the very last minute. So I'm asking you (nicely!) to drop everything you're doing, put your selfish brainstorming aside and help me think of something. Now!

Last-minute Halloween costume assemblage usually turns out poorly for me. Like the time my date went as Batman, so I decided at 4:30 the day of the party that I was going to be a cave. Basically, I donned a garbage bag and put a rubber bat in my hair. My date thought I looked like a woman wearing a black poncho with a rubber bat in her hair, so we decided to spell out "I AM A CAVE" on my front side in duct tape. Five minutes after arriving at the party (he entered the room from between my legs...still, no one really got that I was a cave), someone stole my bat. So I just looked like a gross lunatic in a black poncho that thought she was a geological formation.

Other last minute costumes: skanky 80's chick, skanky sailor, skanky cat, and a crazy skank (I simply threw a bunch of clothes together from my animal print phase and finished it off with caution tape.) In other words: NOT GOOD. Back in the day, I used to have the sweetest costumes. Like the time I went as Nancy Kerrigan, if Nancy Kerrigan had been beaten in the face (who hasn't fantasized about that at one point or another?) Or the time my mom spent two months on a beautiful butterfly costume that was so well-made, I actually thought I could fly. Injuries ensued.

C'mon people. I need help. And just to keep you from wasting your time, here are a few things I will NOT be going as:

Nude Person Emerging From Pizza Box