Super. Can We Get That Cure For Cancer Now?

There seems to be a recent influx of offensively stupid inventions. The Ped-Egg, for example, which--from what I can tell--is nothing more than an ergonomic cheese grater for wonky-ass feet. If I never have to see some corn-riddled actress dumping eight ounces of skin leavings into a trashcan again, I will die happy.

But nothing could’ve prepared me for “Under-Ease: A New Generation of Protective Underwear for Flatulence.”

Let’s see…where to begin? First of all, is there an old generation of protective underwear for flatulence? How many other compulsive gas-passers have been dedicating their lives to creating fartproof undergarments before this particular butt-musician came up with Under-Ease?

That aside, how does one protect one’s drawers from flatulence? Because you can’t make shit like this up, people, I’m just going to copy and paste this from their website. I should note that I chose to make the font brown. It just felt like the right thing to do.

“Under-Ease are underwear for protection against bad human gas (malodorous flatus) and are made from a soft air-tight fabric (polyurethane-coated nylon). To maintain the air-tightness, elastic is sewn into the material around the waist and both legs.

A triangular "exit hole" for the flatus to be expelled is cut from the back of the air-tight underwear, near the bottom. This "exit hole" is covered with a "pocket" made of ordinary porous fabric sewn over the "exit hole". This unique design forces all expelled gas (flatus) out through the "pocket".

Inside the "pocket" is a high-functioning, replaceable filter - the core of the technology. This multi-layered filter is made in a sandwich-style, and begins with the two outer layers of wool felt. The second two layers are made of non-woven polypropylene and spun glass materials. In the center of the filter is a single layer of activated carbon.

The filter is then covered with soft ordinary material to allow for easy replacement in or out of the pocket. The underwear are washable and will last approximately a year depending on the frequency of use and laundering. Each filter will last from several weeks to several months depending on the frequency of use and laundering.”

Hot.

So essentially they are hermetically-sealed underwear that force

malodorous flatus to be released through a filter, which I’m assuming takes all the malodorousnosity out of it. But does it work? Just listen to some of these testimonials.

Betty writes: "They really are working for me, an answer to my prayers, because I like to wear them when I go out." Wow, Betty. Thanks for that completely vapid endorsement. How about eating less broccoli and praying for something useful like peace in the Middle East or something?

Imavis writes: "I am very pleased to tell you that the UNDER-EASE have arrived today (in China). It's very classy. The size fit me well. It's very helpful and brings joy and happiness! Thanks again. Allow me to offer my heartiest wishes.” Aw, that’s nice. But can someone please tell me what’s “classy” about underwear with a built-in fart portal?

P. Maher writes: "I am a circus performer and for years I have been embarrassed to pass gas on stage. People in the audience sometime think its part of the act but it isn't. Because of your wonderful product today my audience laughs at my gags and not my gas.” Great. Now if they could only invent something that takes away the embarrassment of being a circus performer.

My favorite has to be this visual testimonial of a guy completely filling his pajama pants with methane while his wife rests her head unnaturally close to his ass. His smile is so unbelievably wicked, it looks like he just got away with a presidential assassination.

Okay, moment of niceness: I must say for people with Crohn’s Disease or IBS, these are probably a really great thing. But I imagine there are more than a handful of people who wear these so they can continue to eat horribly and disseminate anal vapors without the hassle of having to leave the room.

I don’t want to make a stink or anything (HA! I had to do it. Shut up.) but now that we’ve found a convenient way to shave the dead flesh from our feet and a cure for rectal honks, can we get on that whole cancer/AIDS thing? That would be stupendous.