How To Stay Single From Someone Who Knows

Staying single in the peak of your success and physical attractiveness isn't easy. In fact, it takes a lot of work. Fortunately, after many years of being successful and attractive, I've gotten pretty good at warding off any potential mates who will undoubtedly just slow me down in my quest to live a fulfilling and meaningful life.

For example, when I get the sense that a gentleman is trying to pick me up, I try to find polite ways to discourage them from talking to me. The important thing is to make sure that their feelings aren't hurt in the process (after all, they can't help it if they're attracted to you.)

A great way to do this is to drone on and on about a subject they may be uncomfortable with. I've had great success with the subject of zoophilia, and more specifically, the intricacies of interspecies mating between humans and dolphins (there is a lot to discuss here and thanks to my tendency to wander aimlessly around the internet, I've picked up quite a bit of interesting information.) In 9 out of 10 cases, whoever approached you will not share your supposed zeal for doing the aquatic mammal mambo. In the rare event that they do, quickly ask the bartender if they serve mahi mahi and wait for the other person to run to the bathroom, crying.

If for some reason you're hesitant to scare off any suitors with fabricated (and frightening) personal information, there are other options. And, as some wise sage who obviously had a lot of unwanted romantic attention once said, actions speak louder than words.

The other night, I was in danger of impressing a guy with my staggering wit and enormous bosoms. Don't worry. I took care of it. Because when he explained to me that he was actually there with a date (he clearly just wanted to bring up the topic of dates so he could ask me out on a later one), I awkwardly laughed into my beer. Not a big deal, you say? Perhaps not. But the sheer aerophysical force of my laugh propelled half of my beer onto his face. Meanwhile, his quote-unquote date looked on, horrified. Without a word, he wiped the beer from his expressionless, beery face and walked away. Stephanie 1. Potential mate 0.

Yes, it's not easy. But with a lot of practice, you too can be this good at humiliating yourself out of a tight situation that could end with you losing your enviable single status. Also, dabbing a bit of cat urine on your wrists and neck really helps sell it.