But this--this takes the proverbial wedding cake.
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: the "husband-hunting bra."
That's right, ladies. Let him know that you're serious about marriage by strapping a TICKING TIME BOMB to your bust. One that can only be disarmed with--you guessed it--an engagement ring.
As a singleton, I can't even count the times that I've thought about covering myself in dynamite, showing up at a crowded train station and exclaiming "SOMEONE MARRY ME OR I'LL BLOW THIS PLACE AND EVERYONE IN IT TO SHIT!!" But let's face it: C-4 is so tacky. Who's going to want to propose to a chick covered in clunky, construction-grade explosives? Honestly. It's about time someone creates a garment that's as sexy as it is explodey.
Fortunately, Triumph has released this adorable undergarment that allows you to choose your expiration date (or potential wedding date, if you're an optimist). A digital countdown clock reminds you that you are growing incrementally less attractive to the opposite sex and that your once-viable womb is becoming a more and more hostile environment for a fetus.
Here's a video about the technological breakthrough (read: most demoralizing gag gift ever invented). As you can probably guess, I don't think the bra actually explodes when time runs out. No, when time runs out, the device emits a small, undetectable electronic pulse that crushes your soul and attracts thousands of stray cats to your front door.
Joke or not, the Husband Hunter is garnering lots of attention and people are placing orders like crazy. Ever the opportunist, I've decided to launch a few other items here in the U.S. for single ladies nearing their 30's and inevitably, a lifetime of solitude.
'Til Death Do Us Part Stainless Steel Bear Trap
Especially handy if you're after the rugged, outdoors type, this bear trap will have him begging for a lifetime of marital bliss as he slips into hypovolemic shock.
The Shotgun of Love
He's sure to say "I do" with this sleek, attractive prenuptial persuasion device aimed at his heart. Also excellent for negotiating prices at the florist and wedding gown shops.
Stephanie's Wedding-Strength Ether
Ahhh, ether. The trusted solution for taking people against their will since 1275. Look for my ether-scented lingerie line to launch just in time for a lovely fall ceremony!
Editors note: every time I do a "singles" post, I get a wave of emails and articles sent to me about finding Mr. Right. Please, please know that I'm not lamenting my relationship status, but rather pointing out how ridiculous it all is. I am perfectly happy and do not need any intervention when it comes to getting a date. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some tranq guns that need loading into my unmarked van. Take care and happy hunting!
2 comments:
Hahahaha, awesome. So, someone just recommended your blog to me, and I quite like what I've read. If you are interested, I'd love to have your blog in my first blog tournament on blogtournaments.blogspot.com. Come check it out, and let me know if you want in. Thanks for the laughs about singledom. I needed it today... high school reunion. Ugh!
Hi Steph... I am a friend of Kathy Bacha's. She was telling me about your blog and I just think its hilarious! Stay single... live it up! Tell Katie I said Hello!
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