Steph Infection: Remember When Shopping Was Fun?

In the good old days, my mom and grandma used to take me on what I consider quite extravagant shopping sprees. You know, kinda like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, except we were at an Abercrombie & Fitch somewhere in Toledo, not a boutique on Rodeo Drive. Also, I wasn't a prostitute.

Anywhoozle, shopping used to be fun. Lately, it's become quite unpleasant. Not hot-poker-to-the-sphincter unpleasant, mind you. But maybe stepping-on-a-discarded-prophylactic-in-sandals unpleasant (Only one of those scenarios has actually happened to me. I'll let you guess which one. Hint: I think I have toe crabs.) I believe this decrescendo of fun is happening for two reasons. One: I am only shopping for things I NEED. The things I WANT are reserved for Christmas gifts or shoplifting. Two: I'm shopping with my own money. Which...well...sucks orangutan ass, really.

The purchase I currently NEED to make is a new coffee table. The glass top cracked during an unfortunate piping-hot Lean Cuisine incident. My brother, the genius, exacerbated the situation by resting his feet directly on the crack. Now there's a giant shard of glass missing from the table (remember the giant shard of glass that killed Carl Bruner at the end of Ghost? Yea, like that) and it needs to be replaced. Of course, when you get a new coffee table, you have to get a new end table. And when you get a new end table, you have to get a new pair of designer jeans. It's just science, people.

So in the interest of being thrifty, I decided to scour Craigslist for coffee table sets. My first thought: the people on Craigslist are LYING ASSHOLES. They lure you in with words like "beautiful" and "like new" and then they show you the biggest flaming turd of a coffee table you've ever seen. My second thought: there's is a lot of crappy crap on this site.

For example, this is the posting I clicked on:

Like New Living Room Set

And this is what they are actually selling:

Like new? This shit hasn't been LIKE new since LIKE 1982. I honestly think I saw this living room set on ALF. The seller claims it was "really never used." Really? What the hell has it been doing this whole time? Occupying space in a time capsule next to some Air Supply albums and a Teddy Ruxpin?

Or how about this gem, posted as a "Bamboo Asian Coffee Table"

See something missing? Oh yea, the freagin' top. This pile of douche is trying to get me to pay for what I already have: a broke-ass coffee table. His suggestion? "Get creative and make a top for this guy or get some glass!" That's not selling a table. That's selling work. And I will pass.

Then there's this:

A fish tank table. Certainly a conversation piece. Although something about it struck me as a little fishy (HA! Yick. I disgust myself.) From the seller: "Never had fish in it. I paid $550 for it." Say what? You paid almost $600 bucks for the thing and never put fish in it? What DID you have in it, then? Turtles? Aquatic hamsters? Parts of dead hookers? No thank you.

Or how about this one?

I think it's a table. Maybe? And the seller's description is just about as unclear: "Was a display cube that is 32" square. Makes a great misc table. You pick up." A display cube? Did you jack this from the men's section at Kohls? Sorry. I no pick up.

I guess I'm starting to realize that even if I found something I liked, I'd always wonder about the previous owners and what they did on or around their table. For example, I GUARANTEE you that someone did blow off of this table: