Why Can't I Quit You, Water?

I'm in a lover's quarrel with Water right now.

Water does my laundry. Helps out with a lot of my cooking. Takes care of the flowers. And of course I loooooove my long showers with Water.

But lately, Water has been flat-out dicking me over. You may recall the small rash of plumbing problems I experienced around the holidays. Well the toilet-water baptism I received was nothing compared to the shenanigans Water has been pulling lately.

Apparently, Water has been sneaking out of my place (unbeknownst to me, mind you) and screwing my neighbor. And by 'screwing my neighbor', I mean turning her ceiling into a work of art. And by 'work of art', I mean, grayish, brownish, beige-ish, f'ed up, impressionistic watercolor piece. Oh, she just ADORES me right now.

I had no idea my Water was running out on me. Evidently it was escaping through the guest bathroom, which is ironic, because I will never allow a guest to use it as long as my little brother is living with me. Every square inch of the room looks like the floor of a Wookie Barbershop. So yours truly had to pay for the plumber to come to her place, her neighbor's place, and now has to have her neighbor's ceiling repaired. Thanks a lot, Water.

And then I get my bill from the Cleveland Division of Water. My last bill was $31. 26. This quarter's bill: $677.04. Ummm....WTF, Water? Want to explain how one girl (and her transient brother) in a two-bedroom condo can usurp 18,400 cubic feet of water? Five hundred and seventy-five TONS of water?? Of course I don't think this bill is correct--but the way things have been going with Water lately, who the hell knows?

So I've decided to leave Water. I hope you all will be patient and understanding, as there are going to be some slightly noticeable changes with me. Mainly that I'm going to become a smelly, crazy person who craps in holes she dug in her yard.

You guys would still be my friends, right?