Speaking Of Ground Beef And Bad Ideas

As many of you know, I'm employed at an advertising agency. Sure, I've only been in the business for a couple years, and you've probably never seen any of my work. I'm not an industry expert or a respected critic. So while my opinions on advertising may not be as valuable as Bob Garfield's or Barbara Lippert's, I think I know a terrible, terrible idea when I see one.

And friends, I have seen some terrible, terrible ideas.

Imagine you are a beef marketer. Your job is to make your beef appealing to the masses. You're responsible for shoving your beef in the faces of millions of good, honest Americans.

Did you see that? In just three sentences, I've shown you the number one pitfall of beef advertising: beef is a funny word. You must be careful how you use it (the word, not actual beef--although the same rule applies). The word 'beef' can be quite pervy.

Enter "Raising the Steaks: Bringing the Understanding of Beef to a Whole New Level." Seems innocuous enough, although the pun kinda makes me want to punt a baby. Michelle Wiggley (hee hee hee) is a National Beef Ambassador (psssssshhhhhh...hee hee hee) for Raising the Steaks, and has decided to combat PETA's Veggie Testimonials campaign with a beef-tastic contest for beef-lovers everywhere, titled (drum roll please...) "More BEEF in More Places"

More Beef in More Places...hmmm. My Perv-Potential meter is already picking up some pretty strong signals. Well, Ms. Wiggley, how does one participate in the "More BEEF in More Places" contest?

"Make a 30-to-60-second video showing you and your friends enjoying “More BEEF In More Places”. Make you video as fun and interesting as possible. Let your creativity run wild."

Are you kidding me? If this isn't asking for fetishist submissions, I don't know what is! Damn, Wiggley! What were you thinking? It's like Oscar Meyer asking customers to show them where they like their wieners. Or Jimmy Dean hosting a "Hide the Sausage" competition. And why is 'BEEF' all caps? Just in case we didn't pick up on the sheer perviness of your little contest? Freak.

Okay, say they only marketed this to sweet, wholesome middle-Americans, who would never think unclean thoughts upon hearing the phrase "More BEEF In More Places." (There's got to be a few of them, anyway.) Really, Wiggley? You want to watch a bunch of thirty-second clips of people eating beef in fun and interesting places? Freakin' neato. You know what else would be neat? If Sherwin Williams asked for consumers to make short videos of paint drying. Idiots.

To top it off, the five people chosen as finalists will be rewarded with their very own "More BEEF In More Places" t-shirt. Huzzah! Wear it to the bar, and count how many times someone asks you "where you like to take the beef?"

Maybe I'm lucky, because there's not a lot of double-entendres to worry about when advertising deck stain (if you can think of some, please leave them in comments). But somehow I think I could come up with a beef-related contest that wouldn't be confused for a classified ad seeking amateur porn submissions.

Steph