Matchups That Would Be More Exciting Than This Year's Superbowl

It's official. There were thirty teams I wouldn't mind seeing in Super Bowl XLII, and wouldn't you know it--none of them are going to the big game. Now sports reporters and marketers are scrambling to get people to watch the event by convincing us that it's going to be a tight match. A tight match with a twelve-point spread. Right. Then there are the more honest, glass-is-half-full reporters who are touting the event as a battle of David and Goliath proportions. The difference here, folks, is that David was a whiz with a sling shot, and Eli Manning throws the ball to the other team. (For those of you who aren't sports fans, this is a bad thing.)

At this point, I'm only participating in the Super Bowl festivities for two reasons: to watch the commercials, and to get crap-your-pants drunk on a Sunday without having to worry about people judging me. (Totally kidding, folks--STOP JUDGING ME!) So to entertain myself while this foregone conclusion known as the Super Bowl plays itself out, I'm trying to arrange a face off between two more closely-matched opponents.

VS


Miss South Carolina vs. Stephen Hawking in a Theoretical Physics Debate

"Ummm...I believe this to be so, because, because some U.S. Americans don't have an understanding of blackbody radiation, and that...we as U.S. Americans need to help the countries like the South Africa and the Iraq to understand quantum mechanics. For the children!"

Say what you will, but I think Miss South Carolina can verbal-diarrhea her way out of anything. Plus she sounds more likable than Stephen Hawking.

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Nicole Ritchie vs. Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi in a Hot Dog Eating Contest

Sure, he was the winner of the 12-minute Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest for an unprecedented six years in a row. Okay, he can eat 97 hamburgers in eight minutes (getting a little nauseous here just thinking about it, actually). But can he defeat Nicole Ritchie in a hot dog eating contest? Just coming off of her pregnancy and stoned off her ass, the Ravenous Ritchie might surprise the Tsunami with her appetite. Then again, now that she's back to her pre-pregnancy weight (after, barf, a whole 13 days), she might only be able to keep down a few tic-tacs.




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Britney Spears vs. A Plastic Bag


When Britney tries to outwit a plastic bag, who wins? Everyone.


My prediction: Britney argues with plastic bag in a fake British Accent, marries plastic bag and then divorces it, two years later, when she realizes it can't get her pregnant or make any money on its own.